Begging forgiveness in advance from the AP, from whom this story was liberally adapted.

VodkaPundit, after the careful deliberation possible only with a bottle or two of very acceptable Merlot and a snifter of questionable (at best) brandy, has decided that Madeleine “Mimi” Albright deserves a thorough rectal rogering, sans lube and/or reacharound.

MEDFORD, Mass. (AP) - Former U.S. Secretary of State Madeleine Albright on Sunday accused President Bush's foreign policy team of suffering from "untreated bipolar disorder."

Albright said the Bush administration is projecting contradictory messages on a broad range of global conflicts, including the Middle East and Afghanistan.

“On the one hand,” said the former SecState, “you have President Bush promising ‘actions’ and ‘regime changes’ against and in very, very naughty countries. But unlike any of the nations we took forceful actions against in the Clinton Administration, some of these ‘evil’ places actually have half a chance of defending themselves.”

Speaking at a commencement speech at Tufts University’s Fletcher School of Law and Diplomacy, Albright then expanded her views. “When I was serving under Clinton,” she blushed, “we were unafraid to lob cruise missiles into Sudan, a country with nothing in their arsenal more modern than pointy sticks and aspirin.

“Yet the current President is reckless enough to put real soldiers on the ground in Afghanistan, a country with a long history of shooting back. Is that any way to run a war?”

Some students, despite long studies in diplomacy and statecraft, seemed confused by Albright’s statements. When pressed, she expounded on her thesis.

“It is well known that at least four Iraqi Republican Guard divisions are well-trained, well-equipped, and quite loyal to my pal, Saddam Hussein. Combined, they’re almost worth a single regiment of American armor. But Colin Powell insists that Saddam must go. That, young students, is a recipe for conflict.”

Albright went on, saying, “A responsible administration, such as the one I served under,” she giggled, “takes on poor, landlocked nations with no allies, and with reasonable access to good Italian food. War against Serbia rocks!”

The speech ended with Albright showing off her “Class of 2002” butt tattoo and attempting to French kiss commencement emcee Ozzy Osborne.

Better, funnier Albright humor may be found by clicking here.

CORRECTION: The headline editor regrets to inform you that this story did, after all, feature one reference to Albright’s hind quarters.